Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Doubt Creeping in... Like a Flood

Lest you think that I am some super-Christian whose faith never waivers, rest assured that my weaknesses are very real and very strong. 

Yesterday, we were matched.  From the moment we saw this birthmom's application we both just had a heart for her. 

It felt right.

It felt like it was meant to be.

Even though there are a lot of red flags with this situation.

She took her sweet time choosing an adoptive family, and I had almost given up, thinking we must have been wrong.  Then she chose us.  And on such a special day.  And we felt very confirmed that this is our baby.

Then I got an email from our agency last night telling us that the birthmom doesn't want to even set her travel date until Monday, at which point she will be 37 weeks pregnant.  {Our agency is located in Utah and our birthmom lives in another state, but plans to travel to Utah to deliver.} 

This made me nervous.  And in crept the doubt, just hours after posting my confident announcement on Instagram... the doubt was there. 

I quickly researched the adoption laws in her home state, which sent me into a real tizzy.  It can take more than 50 days for the birthmom's rights to be permanently relinquished in her home state.  FIFTY DAYS.  That's over seven weeks... almost two months!

In Utah, where Penelope was born and where we hope this baby will be born, the law is that a birthmom can relinquish her rights 24 hours after delivery, and then it is final.  When we met Penelope for the first time her birthmom had already signed the paperwork.  So when I laid my eyes on that beautiful baby girl, I poured into her, knowing that she was mine forever. 

I had been told that it can be hard to bond with an adopted child, but that was not the case for us.  Nathan and I both INSTANTLY connected with Penelope... even more so than we had with Beau.  I had a c-section with Beau and I didn't get to hold him for almost four hours after he was born.  And even then I was super loopy from being all drugged up for surgery.  I remember holding him for the first time and thinking I must be a terrible mother because I wasn't feeling that instant connection.  I wasn't feeling anything at all really... Pitocin will do that to you.  So to instantly connect with Penelope was a blessing.  And I knew that part of the reason that I was able to do that was because I knew she was mine.  Forever.

The thought of not having that assurance for seven weeks totally overwhelmed me. 

Nathan and I decided to pray together before we went to sleep.  As I listened to my husband talk about the incredible blessing of the day, and tell the Lord that we know He is in control... I remembered the words I typed last week, and I felt better.  I went to sleep and slept soundly, knowing that God has it all in His hands. 

Then I woke up.  There is a reason that the Lord's mercies are new every morning... it's because we need them every morning.  I need them every morning.  Again I felt that doubt creeping into my heart.  I texted our agency and voiced my concerns.  They quickly texted back with exactly the words that I needed to hear.  More mercies. 

It is easy to let small doubt grow into full blown panic.  There is so much uncertainty in adoption, it makes it difficult to stand firm on the certainty of the Lord.  So I am taking today {and probably the next several weeks} hour by hour minute by minute.  I am repeating truth over and over in my head, and trying to push that doubt far out of reach.  In one minute I feel totally calm and peace that only Jesus can provide.  In the next minute I am letting my head wander into all the what-ifs.

If you want to help distract me from the what-ifs, go sign up for the Christmas Exchange.  Every time I get a cha-ching on my phone telling me that someone else has made a donation my heart sings.  Baby Blakely is coming home.  Baby Rallis will be coming home soon too.


  1. Emmy - hold onto this promise!!!!

    Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

    He loves this baby more than anyone else could, and He wants the very BEST for this baby - which would be a loving, Christian home. That's you guys! He who promises IS FAITHFUL!! Do not be discouraged and do not be afraid!!!

  2. This quote from a church sign has helped me SO much this past month: "Worry is believing that God won't get it right." hope this helps! I am praying for you all...